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Toda la caza: delicada iguana asada al carbón; paca, ese roedor del tamaño de la marmota, de carne tierna y sapidísima; tapir gigante, cuya carne conviene estofar; gacela, antílope y óryx (aunque esté en peligro de extinción), que la realeza egipcia guardaba para sí; armadillo en mole coloradito; hígado de puercoespín en campos del Midwest gringo; morro de alce –o lengua, como hubiera preferido Thoreau. Caza mayor: búfalo con mantequilla de yerbas, garra de oso (“desde los tiempos antiguos –escribió Dumas– las patas delanteras han sido consideradas la mejor parte del animal”, y hasta da una receta para prepararlas à la casserole) o pata de elefante (“joven” le exigía a su chef el barón de Rothschild). Caza pequeña: rana en sopa (se necesitan tres, “peladas y destripadas”), lenguas de alondra también en sopa; rata de bambú en Bayard St, Chinatown, Manhattan, asada a la leña; lirón glaseado en miel y luego rodado en semillas de amapola en el Satyricon; cola de zorrillo como carne fría. [Sir Thomas Browne, en el querido y demoledor Pseudodoxia Epidemica, libro 3, capítulo iv, 1646, dice que es un error pensar que los castores, “para escapar de su Cazador”, se arrancan a mordidas “los Testículos” –¿cómo para qué? se pregunta uno–; encuentra ese error en jeroglíficos, en Esopo, Eliano, Plinio, Solino y Juvenal, de quien cita estas líneas:

--------------------------imitatus Castora, qui se
Eunuchum ipse facit, cupiens evadere damno
Testiculorum, adeo medicatum intellegit inguen.
]

Toda la caza, aunque le repugnara a Lao Tse, aunque Caracalla llorara en una sesión de cetrería, aunque Robert Burton dijera que la liebre es “carne oscura, melancólica, ardua de digerir; engendra incubus, y causa sueños horribles”. Toda la caza pero, sobre todo, el jabalí.


106 comments

  1. Blogger alonso ruvalcaba 

    y, sobre todo, la cabeza del jabalí, hecha pedacitos gelatinosos de ojos, orejas, cachetes, papada, puesta en un molde, convertida en queso.

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  4. Anonymous alónimo 

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  5. Anonymous big pussy 

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  6. Blogger pk 

    jabalí! me late!! yo me apunto.

    no queda pendiente una ida a... (cómo era que se llamaba allá por la merced?)? en fin, yo sigo apuntado, con todo y cabeza y criadillas (del animal, claro está).

    y sí, en verdad espero esos (otros) comentarios.

    abrazo

  7. Blogger adictvm 

    casa chon don pk, también en los rumbos reginosos sólo que cruzando 20 de noviembre... sigue pendiente ese atracón

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  9. Anonymous coatlicuesbelt 

    En serio? no puedo creerlo, en serio "la contaduría, “a diferencia de la poesía o la música, es necesaria.”

  10. Anonymous coatlicuesbelt 

    ay, ay ay, si eso piensa la 'intelectualidad', estamos jodidos.

  11. Blogger Chabelo es Dios 

    Jaja, un busty cocky boar estaría de lujísimo para ti: un atracón que sintetizaría todas las diversiones de La Grande Bouffe.

    Faltó una caza: el ya acordado manjar de bebés, rechonchos y tiernos, se sigue antojando un poco más que el de un animal que le puede dar en la madre a un jaguar.

    -----

    No iba a comentar nada, pero como terminó distrayéndome de mi punto original, he aquí mi terrible venganza:

    La ortodoxia de ese (¿esa? su reducida foto y su constante cambio gramático de género me hacen dudar) Cuatlicuesbelt haría palidecer de envidia a los más distinguidos elementos combativos de la fac. ¡Pa'su!

    (Supongo que mirar a Joyce como un "cropofilo" --quién sabe qué sea eso-- es una verdadera forma de reivindicar la literatura por sobre la contaduría.)

    ¡La Diosa Madre se ha vuelto loca! (y tiene la razón)

  12. Anonymous Icarón 

    Je, je... este post lo pudieron haber escrito Asterix y/u Obelix...

    Por cierto, ayer leí la antrobiotica jornalera, en su edición impresa!!! Tenía un resto que no te leía en ese formato!!! Noté que la columna ha engordado bastante, eh??? Hace algunos años ocupaba el extremo izquierdo o derecho de la página. Aún era así hace un par de años, no? En fin, me puse nostálgico, jo, jo.

    Abrazo.

  13. Blogger Vicadin 

    Pero qué te han hecho Pumba?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

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  15. Anonymous vera 

    qué wey eres vicadín

  16. Blogger Vicadin 

    de regreso pues....

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  17. Blogger Carmen 

    Hace tiempo comí un jabalí muy jugoso en el Centro Castellano, no he vuelto desde entonces.
    Esos vascos que recomiendas son muy divertidos, yo tengo un libro que me regalaron de ellos.
    Gracias

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  19. Anonymous evA 

    pues leyendolo se me antojo.
    a lo mejor y viendolo también.
    beso
    s

  20. Blogger jardinière 

    Ese jabalí de la foto está chistosísimo. Me acordaré de él cuando por fin pruebe la carne de alguno de sus congéneres, y me contaré la mentira de que se ríe a carcajadas porque no le molesta en lo más mínimo que su fin sea la olla. Saludos, y un beso de buena semana. F/J

  21. Blogger alonso ruvalcaba 

    qué rico fin de semana, largo largo. lo más sabroso de todo: aparecer considerado entre la felizmente entrecomillada intelectualidad. dios bendiga a los contadores.

  22. Blogger Chabelo es Dios 

    jaja, che miclosito.

  23. Anonymous Pumba 

    Nooooo!!! se comieron a mi jefeee.

    ya viste? Timón? timón? timóoooon?!!

    Noooooooooo!!!

  24. Blogger pk 

    ("la felizmente entrecomillada intelectualidad"? y eso qué es? porque, más allá de las comillas, ya el puro hecho de parecer o ser insinuado como uno d'sos habría d darte náuseas)

  25. Blogger alonso ruvalcaba 

    jaja, tú crees?
    a mí me divirtió...

  26. Anonymous Elia 

    Qué onda con este queso: "...hecha pedacitos gelatinosos de ojos, orejas, cachetes, papada, puesta en un molde, convertida en queso". ¡Jacuna matata!
    Debe saber delicious, pero en letra está bastante al sonors rugir del gruñido del cerdícola.
    Considero prudente que nuestro presidente vitalicio de P.A.N.O.C.H.A. sea el juez y parte de esta cacería, desde mi humilde punto de vista.
    Gracias por tu apapascho Alón darling: lo necesito: las rodillas me quedaron más pior que aquella vez que yo hincada en una alfombra de ixtle.

    Besos a todos y feliz inicio de semana, que ojalá ni hubiera iniciado, pero bueno, bueno...

  27. Blogger alonso ruvalcaba 

    órale,
    no me había metido a leer ese post de coatlicue que linqueó CED. visitadlo.

  28. Blogger alonso ruvalcaba 

    ah elia,
    posteábamos al mismo tiempo. abracísimo pallá!

  29. Blogger Chabelo es Dios 

    Uy. Y con cariño, para Chabelo.

    Sigo en el mamotreto.

  30. Anonymous PANOCHA 

    Querida Elia:

    El Partido no tiene inconveniente alguno en el consumo generalizado del Queso De Jabalí. De hecho, apoyamos ampliamente su ingesta: es buena para el cuerpo y para el espíritu, incluido el tuyo, honorable y hominívora compañera.

    "Por mi panza hablará el carnicero",
    CED, presidente vitalicio del Partido Nacional Omnívoro Chabelista.

  31. Blogger Rochillíto 

    ¡Como no te voy a querer!
    Si tu orejita tostada
    y tu piel dorada
    Siempre te querré!
    Ahh! tan bonito el jabalito
    (El niño Alonso meciendo sus bracitos)

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